Ivory Tower

I swear I can’t get a break. Everybody’s got their shorts in a bundle just because I didn’t show up for the voluntary conditioning sessions for my new team, the Buffalo Bills, this week. They were voluntary, weren’t they? Am I the only one who wasn’t there?

Since when do I need special conditioning sessions? Everybody knows, or should know, that I’m the last person they have to worry about when it comes to conditioning. I always stay in shape and I have my own personal trainer. He does what’s best for me, and only me.

I’ve never gone to any voluntary workouts. Never had to. Why do I have to start now after all these years? Nobody knows what’s best for me better than me.

By now everybody knows that I always come to training camp in top condition and ready to play. When the mandatory camps start and I have to be there I’ll be there, and nobody will work harder than I will. I’ll learn the routes and I’ll still know how to get open. It’s always been that way.

Some people say I should have showed up just to meet my new teammates, to play nice with the Buffalo fans and show them that I’m with them; a team player. These folks still don’t get it.

It’s not about team. It’s about me.

I tried that team stuff with the Cowboys. I tried to say the right things for the first year and a half. I even cried for my quarterback. See where it got me — Siberia. I’ll be dodging caribou on my way to the goal line up here. I don’t even know what frozen popcorn tastes like.

I don’t know why people still don’t get it. It’s simple. I’m the best. I make the plays. When I touch the ball good things happen. I have the stats to prove it. So it only stands to reason that if we want more good things to happen, I have to touch the ball more often.

It really is that simple. People shouldn’t make things more complicated than they need to be.

Besides, everybody should know that once I’m here I’ll do all the right things and say the right things. I’ll be a model citizen.

When have I ever gotten in trouble with the law? When have I ever shot myself in the leg? Some people might say I’ve shot myself in the foot a few times, but they’re just haters. They choose not to mention all the good things I do. I’ll bet they didn’t even notice the Young Champions Award I just picked up for all the work I do to help Alzheimer’s patients. At the nation’s capital, no less. You think a voluntary practice session is more important than that? I didn’t think so.

And I’m a man of my word. Like I told the Alzheimer’s Association when I accepted the Young Champions Award, all you have to say is, “Hey T.O.,” and if it’s humanly possible I’ll be there. It’s the same with my team — as long as it counts. Voluntary workouts don’t count. But don’t worry, I’m getting my workouts in.

And I promise you one thing: once I’m here, I’m going to hit this town like a hurricane. I’m going to sell tickets, put people in the seats, give them a reason to freeze their buns off in the Buffalo winters.

Heck, the buzz has already started. The league scheduled us on Monday Night Football on the very first week, against New England. Me versus Randy Moss — that’s how they’re already promoting it.

You think the Bills would make prime time the very first week if it weren’t for me? You don’t even have to think about the answer. I think people around Buffalo are already starting to see why my middle name is Eldorado: I’m pure gold.

So get your popsicles ready. I will be there. And when I am, you’ll all be glad I’m there. Just make sure Trent Edwards and the coaches know that I can’t be effective if I’m not getting the ball. I can’t make good things happen when my hands are empty.

We can have a great year, if we’re all on the same page. At the very top of that page they should see a picture of me. Because if the end result they’re looking for is success, then it all has to start with me.

Carlos A. Rodriguez is opinion editor for The Brownsville Herald. Contact him at (956) 982-6681, or by e-mail at crodriguez@brownsvilleherald.com.