Ivory Tower

We send this musical dedication to Michael Chertoff, secretary of homeland security: Space Oddity, by David Bowie.

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Ground control to Michael Chertoff, ground control to Michael Chertoff.

After his recent comments on the perceived need for a border wall, more than a few people have to wonder what planet this guy’s from.

Chertoff responded to environmentalists’ concerns about damage to the environment by saying that the fence would actually be better for the environment.

“Illegal migrants really degrade the environment. I’ve seen pictures of human waste, garbage, discarded bottles and other human artifact in pristine areas,” Chertoff told The Associated Press. “And believe me, that is the worst thing you can do to the environment.”

Of course, litter is bad everywhere. But a fence tends to collect litter. We’ve all seen the piles of rubbish, including paper cups and plastic bags, lining the bases of fences pretty much everywhere. Can anyone really believe that this kind of collected waste is better than open monte, where the stuff would get blown around and the paper would decompose over time?

Mexicans’ poop is another matter. We really can’t comment on the composition or toxicity of the stuff, but it’s probably not any worse than what’s already out there. After all, for every Mexican who crosses any given point in the desert, there must be dozens if not hundreds coyotes, feral dogs, deer, lizards and who knows what else, all making their own marks on the environment, scatalogically speaking. And guess what? It’s OK; God in his infinite wisdom has made poop part of the great circle of life. There’s bugs and other critters who actually eat the stuff, and whatever remains breaks down and fertilizes the area around it.

It’s the lowest, most basic part of the food chain.

There have got to be better ways to explain this fence. The best way, of course, would be to simply tell the truth. It’s not going to offend people any more than anything we’ve already heard.

Don’t say that a fence is better for the environment than pooping Mexicans. God takes care of that. And don’t say it’s to stave off terrorism. We all know terrorists are organized and well funded, and they’ve generally marched right through our door, documents (usually legal and official) in hand. No terrorist in his right mind is going to swim or ford the Rio Grande, what with all the Betas and Zetas and Mara Salvatruchas ready to pounce on them along the southern banks, and hydrilla galore ready to catch them if they actually make it into the water.

Unfortunately, all we’re getting from our spaced-out homeland security secretary is garbage.